40 is a weird place for me right now…. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m growing into some confidence that is unfamiliar to me until now. See, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve always been pretty full of myself, even cocky, but those are different. Maybe comfortable is a better word, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know. I feel like people see me as a grown adult, and not in the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a grown up!!! Treat me that way!!!!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d whine that those in their 20s demand, and not the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153people THINK I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a grown up, but I think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a sham\u00e2\u20ac\u009d you feel in your 30s. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s less a question of whether others see me as an adult, and more a question of \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcdo I give a damn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 what others think… the answer is no, no I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t give a damn.<\/p>\n
It might be age, it might be the gym, but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m changing inside too. I go to the gym, and I feel like I belong there, the staff and the regulars know me, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stand in a corner facing the outside, and I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t act mousy when someone asks me something.<\/p>\n
It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s carried over to the outside world too. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t waste my time and energy worrying if everyone likes me, (which includes covering with the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t care if people like me\u00e2\u20ac\u009d bravado that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve spent energy on in the past) I suppose I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve mellowed.<\/p>\n
There are a lot of things I never thought I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be doing at 40:<\/p>\n
Changing diapers, I mean come on kid, the toilet is your friend. I never thought I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be living in a big house in the suburbs, concerned about the school district and property values. I never thought I would be disgusted by my own body and what it’s become. But I also never thought that I would have kids, or that I would love this suburban life. I never thought that I would enjoy going to the gym. To be honest though, I never thought much about 40. It was some far off land that I never really saw myself in. A lot of kids who have had a parent die young don’t see themselves in the future. I don’t know if it’s because we look to our parents to judge what we think our future is, and if one is missing, we can’t put the puzzle together, or if it’s because we are slapped in the face with a “live in the now and don’t worry so much about the future” sentiment. It’s probably a mixture of both. The point is, I never thought much about 40, and here it is, splashing ice cold water on my face the morning after a raging party called young adulthood. It’s sobering to look around and see where you’ve landed and that you did pretty darn well.<\/p>\n
As far as my health journey, I’m going to take a similar approach. It’s colder now, so I’m going to be wearing the pants, sweaters, coats, and other bulky things. I’m hoping by spring, when I shed the outerwear and the heavy clothes, I’ll look around and see that I’ve landed on some progress. I feel it, but I won’t actively look for it until spring. If I just keep my head down, and focus on the day-to-day, maybe I’ll land someplace great again!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
40 is a weird place for me right now…. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m growing into some confidence that is unfamiliar to me until now. See, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve always been pretty full of myself, even cocky, but those are different. Maybe comfortable is a better … Continue reading