Control

When I was s kid, about the age of my kids now, I thought my parents were in total control. That they knew everything and they knew what they were doing. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized, they may have been steering the ship, but they had only just learned to drive and had no map of where we were going.

I know this because I’m in the driver’s seat now. School starts in a little over five hours and I’m awake writing because my brain won’t shut up and let me sleep.

My youngest starts school today. She is nervous and came to our bed in the middle of the night. I am nervous too. She doesn’t know, but I’m scared. I worry how she’ll do. I worry about her riding a bus, and I worry that she’s growing up too fast. She won’t know because I will tell her it’s ok and she will accept that just like all kids do.

My oldest is growing up so fast. Each year I watch him, holding my breath, as he excels at everything. Today starts a new year. A harder grade. I always wonder, will this be the year he meets adversity? Will this be the year he struggles with something? I know it’s coming, it comes for all of us, and honestly, it’s better to happen now than next year, or the year after. Everything comes easy to him and I love that, but one day he will have to falter. Will I be ready? Will I handle it correctly?

When I got older I learned that my mom didn’t have control of the ship. She just did the best she could with what was in front of her ….and that’s all I can do. I don’t know what I’m doing, obviously if I did I would be sleeping right now so I could get up in the morning. I do know that I’m scared and excited for what the future holds for my kids, but I kinda wish the future would slow it’s arrival just a little.

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