Confidence at 40

40 is a weird place for me right now…. I’m growing into some confidence that is unfamiliar to me until now. See, I’ve always been pretty full of myself, even cocky, but those are different. Maybe comfortable is a better word, I don’t know. I feel like people see me as a grown adult, and not in the “I’m a grown up!!! Treat me that way!!!!” whine that those in their 20s demand, and not the “people THINK I’m a grown up, but I think I’m a sham” you feel in your 30s. It’s less a question of whether others see me as an adult, and more a question of ‘do I give a damn’ what others think… the answer is no, no I don’t give a damn.

It might be age, it might be the gym, but I’m changing inside too. I go to the gym, and I feel like I belong there, the staff and the regulars know me, I don’t stand in a corner facing the outside, and I don’t act mousy when someone asks me something.

It’s carried over to the outside world too. I don’t waste my time and energy worrying if everyone likes me, (which includes covering with the “I don’t care if people like me” bravado that I’ve spent energy on in the past) I suppose I’ve mellowed.

There are a lot of things I never thought I’d be doing at 40:

Changing diapers, I mean come on kid, the toilet is your friend. I never thought I’d be living in a big house in the suburbs, concerned about the school district and property values. I never thought I would be disgusted by my own body and what it’s become. But I also never thought that I would have kids, or that I would love this suburban life. I never thought that I would enjoy going to the gym. To be honest though, I never thought much about 40. It was some far off land that I never really saw myself in. A lot of kids who have had a parent die young don’t see themselves in the future. I don’t know if it’s because we look to our parents to judge what we think our future is, and if one is missing, we can’t put the puzzle together, or if it’s because we are slapped in the face with a “live in the now and don’t worry so much about the future” sentiment. It’s probably a mixture of both. The point is, I never thought much about 40, and here it is, splashing ice cold water on my face the morning after a raging party called young adulthood. It’s sobering to look around and see where you’ve landed and that you did pretty darn well.

As far as my health journey, I’m going to take a similar approach. It’s colder now, so I’m going to be wearing the pants, sweaters, coats, and other bulky things. I’m hoping by spring, when I shed the outerwear and the heavy clothes, I’ll look around and see that I’ve landed on some progress. I feel it, but I won’t actively look for it until spring. If I just keep my head down, and focus on the day-to-day, maybe I’ll land someplace great again!

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