I’m over weight. Like probably 80 lbs over weight. That’s the first time I said it. My whole life, my weight was up and down. When I was thinner, I thought I was fat. I remember being 5’8″ and 135 lbs and all I saw was cellulite on my thighs. I was just never satisfied with my body, and I think one day I just gave up. I went on diets, I read books on metabolism, I took diet pills, and I’ve lots tons of weight. But, ultimately, it goes back on.
I remember I used to go to the gym, get my metabolism revved up for a few weeks and then I’d cut my calories to about 300 a day. I lived off metabolize too, the good stuff, before they outlawed it. I would lose lots of weight, look great, and be too tired to go to the gym (because I wasn’t eating) so I would sleep. A friend in med school at the time, (we were early 20s) and someone I respected very much sat me down on my birthday when I couldn’t finish an enchilada and explained to me what was happening to my body and how I was going to die if I didn’t change. By the way Quentin, thank you.
So back and forth, up and down, unhealthy choice after another, I end up here. And I’m not happy with myself.
Something’s got to give. My clothes don’t fit, and buying new ones would mean going to a size that I just can’t go into. I’ve thinned out my closet, I have seven shirts that fit me. Seven. I’m not buying any more pants that fit me, I’m just going to have to squeeze into the old ones, and wear them until the thighs rub together so much that a hole forms. It’s what I always do.
I need to change. And for good this time. Not just until I get into the size I want. I’m lazy and apathetic, and I need to stop.
So I joined a gym. Ok…. now what? I can swim, I’m a pretty strong swimmer, or I guess I can get back to the machines and the elliptical. I hate the elliptical, I hate all cardio, but the elliptical is by far the worst. But something’s got to give. And it has to be me.
Have I mentioned that my brother is a trainer, and in amazing shape? I don’t want to call him because he’s put a plan together for me before and I quit a few days in. I know he is disappointed and I just don’t want to waste his time, but he reached out to me and gave me a plan. A plan I can do, and it doesn’t involve getting on a hamster wheel.
A little back story on my brother, he has always been the coolest and smartest person I know. The kind of person who researches and reads and gathers all the information he can find and then decides what to do. And that’s with anything, not just fitness. He’s compassionate, but not biased, he’s fair, and he doesn’t sugar coat anything. I asked him when I would see results and he answered, “well, you’re big, it’s going to take a while.” And he’s absolutely right. I wasn’t insulted, or hurt, because it was the truth and not meant to be anything more than factual. He’s just the kind of guy that people listen to. So I suppose I will. He also doesn’t buy my BS excuses. He doesn’t care that I’ve had brain surgery or that I stubbed my toe or whatever else I can come up with. It’s like he thinks I’m capable, which is kind of a good feeling. I am extremely grateful for his knowledge and willingness to help me yet again in this life.
He has me on a plan that I can do, and until this becomes a habit, I’m using him as my accountability. I text him every day that I go, and probably annoying the hell out of him, but at least he knows I’m doing it. He didn’t waste his time…. this time. This time is different.
Why is this time different? I didn’t really know the answer to that until tonight. This time I’m not trying to be some skinny girl who looks good in a bikini. This time I’m not listening to other people tell me how my body should look. This time is for me. I said “probably 80” at the beginning of this because I don’t know how much I’m going to lose. At one time I wanted to lose 100 lbs and “get back to my fighting weight” but I don’t want to be that girl. I want to be strong and healthy. If that means I lose 60 lbs and that’s all, well then fine. I turn 40 in a couple months, and as hard as it it for me to comprehend that I’m an adult…. I am. I’m a grown woman and I don’t care what others think. When I’m lifting weights, I am looking out the windows, not facing everyone in there. If they want to make fun of me, so be it. I’m not there to impress them. I’m just THERE. I’m there to build myself up. Both physically and mentally. I’m there to become healthy and to overcome my unhealthy cycle.
So here’s what I’m doing:
I’m going five times a week
I’m changing my diet
I won’t put myself down or anyone else, especially in front of my kids. I think calling myself fat in front of them teaches them to have an unhealthy relationship with food as well as teaches them that there’s something wrong with “fat” people. And I’m not here for that. My focus is on teaching them how to take care of your body and strive for health, and to be an example for that.
I’m doing everything on my list of exercises, and pushing myself even when I don’t want to.
Showing up this time. This time is different.
You are all invited to join me on my journey! Wish me luck!